A New Year...A New Hope

January 2014: A lot has happened since my last post. We have experienced the extremes of joy and sorrow in the last 2 months and I have needed some time to gather my thoughts before writing again. We transferred our little embryo on November 18 with so much excitement and nervous energy. The transfer went well and then we had to sit and wait. We were told to come back on December 2 for the pregnancy test and results. Now to sit and wait....

I went to Florida for Thanksgiving but Jose stayed in Dallas to work. So, a few days before I left I made Thanksgiving dinner for the 2 of us...first time making cornbread dressing, turkey (breast and drumsticks only but still an accomplishment), and sweet potato casserole...pretty proud of myself:-)

We were so hopeful and optimistic for the future and praying everyday for a strong and healthy growing embryo. But, it felt like December 2 would never get here. Then, I got a text message from Susan on Thanksgiving morning and everything changed. This is what it was....

It's hard to see the faint pink lines but the top 2 tests were positive also. And just like that everything changed. I burst into tears but was getting ready in my room so I had a few private minutes to gather my thoughts. I called Jose to share the news and we both just sat there on the phone crying tears of joy with each other. Our journey had been so hard and long and we finally felt that things were making sense and changing for the better. My sweet little nieces who were all waiting for me to jump in the bouncy house with them were knocking on my bedroom door asking why I was crying and if I needed a hug. When I opened the door they all 3 hugged me at the same time and the big girls asked why I was sad. I told them I was crying happy tears because we were going to have a baby with our surrogate. They helped me share the news with mom, dad, ryan, amy, lauren, and kyle. We had one more amazing thing to be thankful for that day and enjoyed a great day of laughing, playing, and enjoying family. I was floating in the clouds as I thought about our sweet baby that would be joining our family next year.

I made caramel apples for all the kiddos:-)

Thanksgiving day after everyone left mom gave me this sock monkey that she had planned to give me the day we found out we were pregnant. Our first gift for this little miracle...

Mom, Amy, and I went shopping on Friday and while Amy picked out her bedding for Brinklee's nursery I bought 2 of my first newborn cloth diapers:-) I was in heaven. 

We went to our appointment on Monday, December 2nd, and the blood work confirmed that Susan was pregnant with our little peanut!! Jose and I were on top of the world and started planning and dreaming for our little one's future. We could not contain our excitement and hope. But, our joy was quickly ripped away 2 weeks later when Susan began cramping and bleeding and miscarried our little one. We wanted so badly to believe that things were okay but the ultrasound confirmed that the pregnancy had ended. We were devastated, heartbroken, empty.....

We entered into this surrogacy journey with so much hope. I can honestly say that I had some nervousness that the transfer would not be successful but never worried that it would be successful only to lose the baby later. It brought back so many horrible memories of our last miscarriage and the despair that followed. We grieved and are still grieving the loss of this baby and our hopes and dreams for our future family. It has been a tough few months. 

I had my "cancer check up" on December 20 and hit my emotional breaking point. My check up itself was good but I was emotionally drained which led to a small pity party for myself. I'm tired of being a cancer patient and having to get gynecological exams and blood work every 6 months, I hate that I'm 31 years old and post menopausal, I'm jealous that I will never be able to have the sensation of feeling my baby move inside my womb, I'm tired of this ache in my heart for a baby and longing everyday for it to be filled, and I'm tired of working non-stop and saving every penny yet never seeming to have enough money to pay all the bills and expenses of this journey to be parents. I've tried for so long to stay hopeful but every once in a while the overwhelming pressure of it all catches up to me. I had a good cry with my doctor at the appointment, on the phone with my sister on the way home, and later that day with Jose at the house. Jose doesn't like to talk about it but he lets me cry whenever I need to and then we keep going :-)

We went home for Christmas and enjoyed a wonderful 10 days of family, friends, and happy memories. I love being in Florida and hope that we can make that our permanent home one day with our little one. But, for now I will pull myself up by my bootstraps and keep moving forward here in Texas. I'm still sad but coping and looking towards the future and our next steps. We met with our reproductive endocrinologist January 9 and have a plan for moving forward with another transfer in the weeks ahead.

We are scared to death about the emotional struggles and very stressed out about all the financial responsibilities that loom ahead. But we are holding on to hope and faith that we will hold a little Contreras baby in our arms later this year.   When I look at where we were this time last year to where we are today I thank God for his clarity, strength, and courage.   I believe that God brought us to Susan because she is the right person to help us achieve our dream of a family.  Now, I pray for peace and understanding every single day and I pray that God will give us the desires of our hearts.  Thank you all for your continued love and support and please continue to pray for us and Susan on our journey ahead.