November 2013

Well, here we are 6 months after my last post. We have been on a roller coaster of emotions over the past 6 months and I have not been able to write about all of our trials and tribulations. I just re-read my last post through tears and felt the ache throbbing in my heart all over again. I hope that one day the ache will diminish and the anger will subside. My friend, Matthew Titus, has told me for years that forgiveness is the best feeling and the only way to truly set yourself free of the pain. We are working on that but for now will settle for accepting what has happened, understanding that it was for the best, and overcoming some of the cruelty that dwells in this world.

I had a milestone appointment with the oncologist a few months back which officially put me at the 2 year mark of being "cancer free". The doctor told us that after 2 years the chances of recurrence are lowered drastically! So excited to have that behind us and moving forward towards the 5 year "remission".

We had a "staycation" at my parent's house in Florida for a week this summer. It was so nice to be home, relaxing with family/friends, and enjoying all the things I love so much about Florida (beach, seafood, great weather, family/friends, and home). We also found out that Amy is pregnant and will be having a baby girl in April 2014. Knowing that Amy is pregnant makes my heart long/ache for a baby even more so that our babies can grow up together and Amy and I can navigate the road to parenthood together. With that being said, I have been putting of this post for a while because I have been scared to "speak it into reality". But, here goes....

We have found a surrogate! We are so excited, anxious, and scared to death all at the same time. We have hoped for and prayed for this day and cannot believe it is here. We were connected to Susan a few months ago through a friend. She lives close, is happily married with 4 children, is a midwife/child birth doula who loves bringing babies into the world:-) From the first time I talked to her I knew she is exactly what we have been looking for all these years. Jose and I have been so scared to jinx the whole thing by talking about it but since transfer is coming up next week I figure we better start talking. We are over the moon with excitement and are feeling hope again which I thought was lost for so long. She began her meds in October and we are set for embryo transfer on November 18 (yes that is Monday)!!! We need/want all the prayers, thoughts, good vibes we can get on this for a successful transfer and implantation, healthy pregnancy, and a beautiful birth/baby next year.

Here is to hoping 2014 brings great joy, in a little package, to our lives.

Erin and Jose

You can also read Susan's blog at surromommalove.blogspot.com

Home Heals the Heart....Music Mends the Soul

Home Heals the Heart....Music Mends the Soul

April 2013

I have not written in a while because I have been struggling with the words to say.  I know many of you have been waiting to hear our update, as so many of you have helped us get to this point, and I have been trying to find a way to explain the events that have unfolded.  The last time I wrote we were filled with so much hope and excitement and now we have been deflated again.  Our hearts are heavy with the news that we were not able to go through with our surrogacy in March as planned.  The young lady (family acquaintance) that was going to surrogate for us backed out late on the night before egg retrieval.  We had made it so far, paid for everything, had a legal contract in place, completed all the stimulation medications, and cleared so many hurdles to get where we were.  She and Amy drove to Texas together and had been here for a week when she left abruptly without giving any explanations or even speaking to anyone.  We were and still are confused, frustrated, devastated, and angry.  We still, almost one month later, have not been given an apology or an explanation for why she led us along up to the night before egg retrieval and then left the way she did.

I will be the first to say that being a surrogate is a BIG deal.  It takes a very special woman.  It is not something to take lightly and many women in this world are not able to volunteer themselves to do this.  But, we did not seek this young lady out.  She came to our family from the beginning and offered this gift to us without being asked.  She also had many opportunities over the 5 month period (November-March) to stop the process before it progressed this far.   Through the entire process, she never verbalized any doubts. In fact, when she was asked by Amy or myself, on multiple different occasions over the past few months, if she was having any doubts she firmly stated "No".

A few short hours before her swift departure.....
-She told me that she and her girls were moving to Texas to live with her aunt. She made several references to the coming pregnancy and how much easier it would be on me and Jose to be 3 hours away instead of 12 (Florida).  She talked about how we could attend every doctor's appointment with her if we wanted.
-She was showing me different baby things at the store and asking me to buy them, once she became pregnant, in her honor for carrying "Baby Contreras".
-She was talking about how much she wanted to have twins for us but especially wanted to have at least one girl for us.
-She was planning the celebratory dinner she was going to have with my family once she found out she was pregnant with our child.

Needless to say, we were blindsided by her actions a few hours later and it left us all devastated.

I cannot fathom committing myself to the job, going through with all the medications, signing a legal contract, and then leaving abruptly with no explanations in the middle of the night knowing that I was hurting so many people (Especially so far into the process, with egg retrieval scheduled to take place the next morning). It is understandable that one could doubt themselves and their decisions during this process.  But, communication and respect are important.  There was more than one family that was affected by the decision that was made that night.  Jose and I were left in the dark and our dreams were ripped away from us.  Amy was an emotional wreck because she felt responsible for introducing us to the surrogate from the start. And my mom and dad were hurting for us, grieving yet another loss of sorts, and stressing about being so far away from us during this time.  Jose, Amy and I were up for most of the night/early morning trying to figure out what had happened and where we were going to go from there.  For me, I feel that I would not be holding so much anger over what happened if she had sat down with us and been honest and open instead of running away without any explanation.

After many tears and a heartfelt discussion with our doctor the next morning, we proceeded with egg retrieval. Amy had gone through so much to get that far in the process and we owed it to her to move forward.  The doctors were able to harvest 21 eggs from Amy on March 21.  We were blown away by the volume!  The plan was to fertilize the eggs with Jose's sperm, and freeze the embryos for future use.  Amy tolerated the procedure well, minus a few silly moments waking up from anesthesia. Amy, I will spare you the embarrassment here :-) 


Waiting for anesthesia....feeling a little nervous.

Per doctor's order, Amy had to take it easy over the next few days, so Jose and I waited on her hand and foot.  We were so thankful for the amazing gift she gave us so we did it with no reservations....though Amy is now lovingly called "Princessa". 



Found this sign at a shop in Florida the week after and it was so fitting:-) Love you Amy.

We found out the morning after the procedure that 15 of the 21 eggs had progressed to fertilized embryos!  We were given a glimmer of light in a time of pain and darkness.  Jose was very excited to know that we were now growing an entire Contreras soccer team in the IVF lab!

Our next step was figuring out how to get Amy back to Florida.  Since they had come together in the prospective surrogate's car, and she left with no warning, Amy was now stranded in Dallas with no way home.  I had a one way ticket from Florida back to Dallas for later the next weekend as I had planned to drive home with both of them after embryo transfer had occurred (so they could take it easy) and then fly back to Dallas.  We reserved a one way rental car at the sum of $381.96.  After calculating gas we figured we were looking at about $500 to get Amy home plus 12 long hours in the car when neither one of were emotionally stable.  We were set to leave Saturday.  On a whim, I decided to try the Priceline Name your Price website.  I bid and was able to get 2 one way tickets to Fort Walton for the same price as the one way rental car.  Mom booked the tickets for us and I cancelled the car.  This was so much less stressful for Amy and I with everything else that was going on.  We flew home Sunday, 3/24, early morning.

 I got to spend an entire week in Florida with my family which is exactly what I needed to begin the healing process.  I had dinner with MaMa, Happy Hour at Susie's house, sang Taylor Swift songs at the top of my lungs with my sweet Emma and Anna, had a picnic at Lincoln Park with Emma, Anna, Lily, and mom, ate homemade frozen yogurt with mom at the strawberry fields, sat on the beach and watched the sunset, had a bonfire (which included yard work prior to just like the old days...thanks Dad), listened to the coyotes howl and the frogs croak in the wilderness of the woods that hold my entire childhood, celebrated Easter at the cabin on the bay, walked down to Papa's green patch and fed the deer with Dad, read a good book, worked at the baby store with Amy, and slept every night in the bedroom that I grew up in. 

 

We surprised MaMa at the church so she could see the girls while they were in town.



Lily Kate

Emma Lee and Anna Elizabeth "modeling" for the camera.

I love these sweet girls.

I can't believe how big they are getting.

Little Ham!

We were devastated to receive a call on Monday telling us that only 2 of the 15 embryos met the extensive criteria for freezing.  I do not want to sound selfish, because we are thankful we had 2, but with all that we had already gone through it felt like another punch in the gut to go from 15 down to 2.  I cried so hard that day.  I must shamefully admit, with as much heartache, sadness, and suffering we have already endured I was beginning to question God. I pleaded with God to show me Himself and His will for our future because I felt lost, cheated, confused, dark, empty, and hurt.  I could not help but think of Jason Crabb's song "Let Mercy Hold You" which I have listened to a thousand times over since it came out last year....

"When the road is winding through the darkness
And the load is heavy as your heart is now
And you're full of doubt

When your prayers are crashing into silence
And your scared that everything you're crying out
Is gonna hit the ground.

Every night is holding back a sunrise
Every storm is shadowing a blue sky
I know it's hard when there's nothing that you can do
So let mercy hold you"

So, I cried for God to let mercy hold me.  We received an answer to prayer 2 days later when the lab called to tell us that 2 more embryos had made it to the stage for freezing.  I felt like God was telling us that He was with us through this, holding us up, telling us to hang in there and not give up hope.  So, hope is what I will hold onto.

With all that we have been through over the past 5 years my child hood home in Florida has always been and will always be my retreat.  I feel safe, protected, supported, and loved unconditionally when I am there surrounded by my family.  I only wish Jose could have been there with me.  I feel so blessed to have an amazing family that picks us up when we fall down and walks beside us when we feel that we cannot go on.  I feel equally blessed to have an overwhelming amount of friends in my life that provide encouragement and support, near or far, to help us through the tough times.  We are so very lucky and blessed to be loved so much.
The pain is still very real and raw.  We are trying so hard to hold it all together and find a way to keep going.  We both have good days and bad days.  Some days I am sad and Jose is mad and then we flip flop.  We have shed many tears and have questioned just how much more we can take.  I struggle when people tell me this is "God's Plan" or "God's Will" for our lives because it does not help our heartaches feel any better.  I do not think that God's Plan for our lives is to continue to provide us with heartbreak after heartbreak.  I do not think God's Will for our lives is for us to be sad, angry, hurt, confused, lost, and devastated over and over again.  I think God is hurting with us.  I think God is telling us that He will be here with us through it all and help us make it to the other side of the darkness.  I was lying in my hammock earlier today, listening to music on my Ipod, trying to relax and not think about things (yeah right).  This song by Jonny Diaz came on and I felt like it sums up what I just said....

"Did you know that He weeps for you
Cause He knows what you're going through
Even when you feel lost and scared
He promises that He'll still be there

Did you know His heart breaks for you
and there is one thing that's always true
that in your worst of times you'll never cry alone
Did you know He weeps for you"

I know God will continue to help us through this.  I trust that God will bring us an amazing, selfless, woman to carry our little embryos.  We are overjoyed that we have 4 precious embryo babies awaiting the right person to carry them into this world.  We cannot wait for the day that we hold our amazing miracle(s) in our arms.

A New Year is Upon Us

 January 2013

A new year is upon us and with that we have so many changes happening in our lives.  I haven't written since September because life has been quite a whirlwind! But, I will try to catch you all up now on where we have been in our journey over the past 4 months and where we are going in the next few months!

September:
I participated in the 5K Run/Walk to Break the Silence on Ovarian Cancer in Dallas on September 22.  It was so inspiring to see the thousands of people that came out to support ovarian cancer research and survivors.  It was an amazing feeling to wear my teal survivor shirt and know that I am lucky to be where I am in my journey.  My sweet friend Ashley and her husband Jeff came out to walk with me because Jose had to work.  It was a great day!

October:
I got to go home the second weekend in October for a Florida State football game!  I flew in on Thursday night and got to eat dinner with MaMa, Amy (& Kyle), and mom.  I always love visiting MaMa.  Kyle spent the evening in front of the television while mom, Amy, MaMa, and I talked, laughed, shared, reminisced, and made many happy memories.

Friday mom and I went to Dothan for Grandparent's Day at Emma's school.
 
After that we headed over to Thomasville for the night before the football game in Tallahassee on Saturday.  I got to catch up with Jess, Suz, Harry and Patti for a bit on Saturday.  It was a great reunion but made me miss them all so much more.  Sitting in the stadium watching the pregame show brought back so many memories from my college years.  I am so blessed to have had the opportunities I did in college and am so lucky I made the most amazing, lifelong friendships.

I love Florida State football!!

Me and Suz

I also got to enjoy some time with Ryan, Lauren, Emma, Anna, and Lily while I was home.  Emma was on fall break the following week and since I didn't fly out until Tuesday I spent all day Monday with them in Panama City.  We went to the zoo, had lunch, and then I brought the girls back to Crestview to spend time with Lauren's family.

Lily loved the ducks:-)

Sleepy girls after a fun day at the zoo!

I also had a new job opportunity present itself in October.  I loved my child life job with every ounce of my heart but I knew the that the salary would always make meeting our financial goals for surrogacy/adoption so far away.  I applied and interviewed for the open Lactation Consultant position at Parkland in October.  I worked so hard to become a Board Certified Lactation Consultant and was hoping to finally make that hard work pay off.  Plus, this would open more doors for me to get a job closer to home in the future.  It was bittersweet because if I got the job that meant I would be saying goodbye to my child life job which I loved dearly.    

 

November:

I can't believe how quickly the holiday season arrived. November brought SO many unexpected changes to our lives.  I received a call from Parkland HR at the beginning of the month and was offered the Lactation Consultant position.  I was elated and heartbroken at the same time.  I could not wait to start in my new role and I knew it put us one step closer to baby!  But, I was also torn up at the thought of walking away from child life, my heart and soul, my "baby" for the past 8 years.  My start date was November 28.

Mom and Susie came back to Dallas in November for some Christmas shopping and fall fun.  We went to the harvest tea at the Dallas Arboretum, shopped at the Chi Omega holiday market, and enjoyed a Dallas Cowboys game.   We each took a night to cook for everyone else.....Susie recruited Jose for her team and they blew us out of the water with their beef fajitas on the grill, homemade guacamole, and butter flour tortillas.  It was such a great week! I appreciate Dallas so much more when I have family/friends visit.  After their visit was finished, we all drove back to Florida together for Thanksgiving.

Mom and Susie at the Arboretum enjoying the Chihuly exhibit.

                            Harvest Tea                                                                                  Cinderella's carriage at Dallas Arboretum.

Dallas Cowboys!

Thanksgiving at mom and dad's house was wonderful again this year!  Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and it was everything I dreamed it would be again this year....minus the missing monkey bread:-)  I spent the whole day before playing with Emma, Anna, and Lily at mom and dad's house.  We went hiking in the woods, played hide and seek,  made turkey place setting cards, took silly pictures, played on Susie's swing set, went on a hayride, jumped in the bouncy house, and laughed lots.

 

Thanksgiving Day was perfect weather.  We set up all the tables/food on the patio and enjoyed the beautiful sunshine and cool breeze.  The kids all had a blast playing in the bouncy house, riding the four wheeler, wading (swimming) in the creek, feeding the deer, and going on a hayride.  It was an absolutely perfect day in every way and I was so thankful to be able to enjoy a wonderful day with all of my family.  I am so thankful to have my health and I am hopeful that on the road ahead we will enjoy watching our own children run and play with their cousins on Thanksgiving.

         

About 2 weeks before we went to Florida for Thanksgiving, my sister called me and told me she had a friend that "wanted to have a baby for us".  I have to be honest and say that I didn't really think much of it at the time because we have had so many dead ends thus far.  I remember saying I would like to meet her and then letting it go.  The next night my sister called me again and said that her friend really wanted to do this and would like to meet me.  We decided to meet the Saturday after Thanksgiving to just get to know each other a little bit.  I was still very hesitant about the whole thing because I didn't want it to be another dead end where I get my heart broken. Jose was very hesitant as well...almost to the point that he did not want me to go. He said he could not stand to see me get my heart get broken again. We did not even tell any of our friends/family (besides mom, dad, Amy and Ryan) that we were doing this because we were nervous about the outcome.

Saturday morning came quickly and as I was getting ready to go meet Amy and her friend for breakfast I started getting a little excited and nervous all at once.  I had tried to keep a lid on my emotions but I have never been very good at that.  We met at Cracker Barrel and I instantly like her.  She had an infectious personality (sweet and sassy all at once) and was so honest and open about who she was.  We went to look at Christmas decorations after breakfast and I remember thinking the morning was too short.  I wanted to know more, to ask more, to box her up and bring her back to Dallas with me so she wouldn't "get away".  We left the conversation that day with her saying...this is something I want to do for y'all and I'm excited!

December:
As soon as I was back in Dallas, and settled into my new role as Lactation Consultant, I started trying to put things in motion.  The doctor we had begun using before my cancer did not have the egg donor program up and running yet at his practice so he referred me out to another doctor.  I set up an initial consult appointment and left feeling more hopeful then I had in almost 2 years!  He could/would help us and we were closer than we thought from the monetary standpoint since we had a known egg donor (Amy) and known surrogate (Alysa).  Things were finally falling into place!

I also had another check up with the oncologist the same day. I always get such high anxiety sitting in the waiting room.  But, my appointment went well, my blood work was normal, and he said that I was doing so well he was going to move me from every 4 months to every 6 months appointments!!!  Another hurdle cleared.....

Jose's sister welcomed a new baby, Julian, into the family this month.  Visiting him was so exciting and we talked on the way home about how maybe it would be our turn soon!

  The month flew by. I could not believe how quickly Christmas approached. I barely had time to enjoy my Christmas tree before the season was coming to an end.

 We started a new tradition this year with some of Jose's nieces and nephews this year.  We went to the movie and watched Rise of the Guardians then drove around Highland Park looking at Christmas lights.  It was so much fun to enjoy the Christmas spirit from the eyes of children.  We hope to continue this tradition with our own family one day.
 

It was a tough Christmas for me because I had to work.  It was the first time in 30 years (my entire life) that I was not with my family on Christmas Day at MaMa's house.  But, as soon as work was over on 12/25, Jose and I packed up and headed to Florida.  It snowed on Christmas day and many of the roadways were frozen over so our 12 hour commute took about 17 hours.

Our house on 12/25 just before we left town for Florida.

  
But, we made it and Christmas started for us the second we got HOME (Florida). We enjoyed lunch and presents at mom and dad's house, we fed the deer, walked down to the creek, played, and enjoyed time together.
 

The rest of the week was full of family and fun. We ate lunch with MaMa one day, sipped wine and chilled out with Susie one evening, and played at Destin Commons with the girls.

 

At the end of the week we went to Panama City Beach to the condo we rent every New Year's Eve.  Lauren and the girls were there with us and Ryan stayed for a few hours when he dropped them off.  After that he went  to the hunting camp with Dad. 

                                                                           Wonderworks!
 

It was a little cold on the beach this year but we still had a blast.

We spent New Year's Eve at Pier Park.  We rode the rides, watched the beach ball drop (kid's drop at 8:00) and enjoyed the fireworks.  Then we headed back to the condo for fondue ("fundoo" in Emma's words) and sparklers.  It was a happy end to the year 2012.

                                                                          PIER PARK

January:
 New Year's Day we all packed up and drove to Louisville, AL to Dad's hunting camp.  We made a pit stop at Publix to get all the fixings for black eyed peas, collard greens, and fried chicken for the whole hunting camp gang plus our family.  After we ate we played in the back yard for hours.  Emma and Anna hosted a funeral (not sure where that came from), we picked up pecans, played volleyball and soccer, and dad built a bonfire.  It was a first for us to celebrate New Year's Day there but might be a new tradition for our family.  It was a fun and relaxing day....a great start to the new year as the day was filled with laughter, family, and friends.

January 2: We headed back to Dallas.  But, we did not head back alone.  We had my sister, Amy (egg donor), and Alysa (surrogate) with us.  We had doctor's appointments to get a baseline and figure out what to do next.  The 12 hour drive that normally seems so long did not seem that long at all.  We played Scattergories, talked, laughed, and even made a pit stop at Santa Land.

Thursday was appointment day.  Overall everything went well.  We had a few small setbacks but nothing we will not overcome.  Amy was diagnosed with PCOS...of course, my first thought was NO this cannot happen again.  I do not want Amy to go through this.    I know that PCOS does not mean cancer but it can be hard to see it differently when you have been through it.  Amy had a large cyst on one of her ovaries.  The doctor was great about reassuring Amy that her ovaries and egg reserve look great and that her cyst did not resemble mine AT ALL (it was blood filled).  The cyst, which he said occurs often in women during ovulation, does need to heal before she can start the hormones but everything else looks good.  We have come so far and are hopeful that we are on the road to becoming parents!!  It is a surreal feeling to be this close. Alysa and Amy stayed until Saturday morning and then they headed back to Florida.  Jose and I cried after we dropped them off at the airport.

Amy and Alysa on the plane leaving Dallas.

It all seemed so real when they were here and we didn't want them to leave.  Jose has been so reserved through this process so for him to be so emotional got me.  He was almost giddy the entire time they were here and then mopey after they left!

If all goes well, Amy's cyst will be healed by next month, they (A&A) will begin their hormone stimulation medicines, and hopefully come back for egg retrieval and implantation mid to late March!  Oh my gosh!!!  We can hardly wait.  So, we are almost there.  We are just busting our chops now to come up with the money.  We have $12,000 right now which should cover the procedure down to the penny.  We just need the $4,000 to cover the lawyer fees and surrogacy contract.  We are scrambling to pull the money together so we will be ready in March.  It can be a bit overwhelming but we are confident that God has brought us this far on our journey and will not leave us now.  We feel so blessed to have 2 amazing women (Alysa and Amy) that are helping us through our journey and we are sure God will help us meet our goals to get where we need to be.

Amy texted me this picture the other day.  She is growing us some good eggs:-)

 So, in short...Here's to hoping that 2013 brings us what we have been longing for and working so hard for over the past 5 years....a BABY!!!!!