Home Heals the Heart....Music Mends the Soul
April 2013
I have not written in a while because I have been struggling with the words to say. I know many of you have been waiting to hear our update, as so many of you have helped us get to this point, and I have been trying to find a way to explain the events that have unfolded. The last time I wrote we were filled with so much hope and excitement and now we have been deflated again. Our hearts are heavy with the news that we were not able to go through with our surrogacy in March as planned. The young lady (family acquaintance) that was going to surrogate for us backed out late on the night before egg retrieval. We had made it so far, paid for everything, had a legal contract in place, completed all the stimulation medications, and cleared so many hurdles to get where we were. She and Amy drove to Texas together and had been here for a week when she left abruptly without giving any explanations or even speaking to anyone. We were and still are confused, frustrated, devastated, and angry. We still, almost one month later, have not been given an apology or an explanation for why she led us along up to the night before egg retrieval and then left the way she did.I will be the first to say that being a surrogate is a BIG deal. It takes a very special woman. It is not something to take lightly and many women in this world are not able to volunteer themselves to do this. But, we did not seek this young lady out. She came to our family from the beginning and offered this gift to us without being asked. She also had many opportunities over the 5 month period (November-March) to stop the process before it progressed this far. Through the entire process, she never verbalized any doubts. In fact, when she was asked by Amy or myself, on multiple different occasions over the past few months, if she was having any doubts she firmly stated "No".
A few short hours before her swift departure.....
-She told me that she and her girls were moving to Texas to live with her aunt. She made several references to the coming pregnancy and how much easier it would be on me and Jose to be 3 hours away instead of 12 (Florida). She talked about how we could attend every doctor's appointment with her if we wanted.
-She was showing me different baby things at the store and asking me to buy them, once she became pregnant, in her honor for carrying "Baby Contreras".
-She was talking about how much she wanted to have twins for us but especially wanted to have at least one girl for us.
-She was planning the celebratory dinner she was going to have with my family once she found out she was pregnant with our child.
Needless to say, we were blindsided by her actions a few hours later and it left us all devastated.
I cannot fathom committing myself to the job, going through with all the medications, signing a legal contract, and then leaving abruptly with no explanations in the middle of the night knowing that I was hurting so many people (Especially so far into the process, with egg retrieval scheduled to take place the next morning). It is understandable that one could doubt themselves and their decisions during this process. But, communication and respect are important. There was more than one family that was affected by the decision that was made that night. Jose and I were left in the dark and our dreams were ripped away from us. Amy was an emotional wreck because she felt responsible for introducing us to the surrogate from the start. And my mom and dad were hurting for us, grieving yet another loss of sorts, and stressing about being so far away from us during this time. Jose, Amy and I were up for most of the night/early morning trying to figure out what had happened and where we were going to go from there. For me, I feel that I would not be holding so much anger over what happened if she had sat down with us and been honest and open instead of running away without any explanation.
After many tears and a heartfelt discussion with our doctor the next morning, we proceeded with egg retrieval. Amy had gone through so much to get that far in the process and we owed it to her to move forward. The doctors were able to harvest 21 eggs from Amy on March 21. We were blown away by the volume! The plan was to fertilize the eggs with Jose's sperm, and freeze the embryos for future use. Amy tolerated the procedure well, minus a few silly moments waking up from anesthesia. Amy, I will spare you the embarrassment here :-)
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| Waiting for anesthesia....feeling a little nervous. |
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| Found this sign at a shop in Florida the week after and it was so fitting:-) Love you Amy. |
Our next step was figuring out how to get Amy back to Florida. Since they had come together in the prospective surrogate's car, and she left with no warning, Amy was now stranded in Dallas with no way home. I had a one way ticket from Florida back to Dallas for later the next weekend as I had planned to drive home with both of them after embryo transfer had occurred (so they could take it easy) and then fly back to Dallas. We reserved a one way rental car at the sum of $381.96. After calculating gas we figured we were looking at about $500 to get Amy home plus 12 long hours in the car when neither one of were emotionally stable. We were set to leave Saturday. On a whim, I decided to try the Priceline Name your Price website. I bid and was able to get 2 one way tickets to Fort Walton for the same price as the one way rental car. Mom booked the tickets for us and I cancelled the car. This was so much less stressful for Amy and I with everything else that was going on. We flew home Sunday, 3/24, early morning.
I got to spend an entire week in Florida with my family which is exactly what I needed to begin the healing process. I had dinner with MaMa, Happy Hour at Susie's house, sang Taylor Swift songs at the top of my lungs with my sweet Emma and Anna, had a picnic at Lincoln Park with Emma, Anna, Lily, and mom, ate homemade frozen yogurt with mom at the strawberry fields, sat on the beach and watched the sunset, had a bonfire (which included yard work prior to just like the old days...thanks Dad), listened to the coyotes howl and the frogs croak in the wilderness of the woods that hold my entire childhood, celebrated Easter at the cabin on the bay, walked down to Papa's green patch and fed the deer with Dad, read a good book, worked at the baby store with Amy, and slept every night in the bedroom that I grew up in.
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| We surprised MaMa at the church so she could see the girls while they were in town. |
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| Lily Kate |
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| Emma Lee and Anna Elizabeth "modeling" for the camera. |
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| I love these sweet girls. |
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| I can't believe how big they are getting. |
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| Little Ham! |
"When the road is winding through the darkness
And the load is heavy as your heart is now
And you're full of doubt
When your prayers are crashing into silence
And your scared that everything you're crying out
Is gonna hit the ground.
Every night is holding back a sunrise
Every storm is shadowing a blue sky
I know it's hard when there's nothing that you can do
So let mercy hold you"
So, I cried for God to let mercy hold me. We received an answer to prayer 2 days later when the lab called to tell us that 2 more embryos had made it to the stage for freezing. I felt like God was telling us that He was with us through this, holding us up, telling us to hang in there and not give up hope. So, hope is what I will hold onto.
With all that we have been through over the past 5 years my child hood home in Florida has always been and will always be my retreat. I feel safe, protected, supported, and loved unconditionally when I am there surrounded by my family. I only wish Jose could have been there with me. I feel so blessed to have an amazing family that picks us up when we fall down and walks beside us when we feel that we cannot go on. I feel equally blessed to have an overwhelming amount of friends in my life that provide encouragement and support, near or far, to help us through the tough times. We are so very lucky and blessed to be loved so much.
The pain is still very real and raw. We are trying so hard to hold it all together and find a way to keep going. We both have good days and bad days. Some days I am sad and Jose is mad and then we flip flop. We have shed many tears and have questioned just how much more we can take. I struggle when people tell me this is "God's Plan" or "God's Will" for our lives because it does not help our heartaches feel any better. I do not think that God's Plan for our lives is to continue to provide us with heartbreak after heartbreak. I do not think God's Will for our lives is for us to be sad, angry, hurt, confused, lost, and devastated over and over again. I think God is hurting with us. I think God is telling us that He will be here with us through it all and help us make it to the other side of the darkness. I was lying in my hammock earlier today, listening to music on my Ipod, trying to relax and not think about things (yeah right). This song by Jonny Diaz came on and I felt like it sums up what I just said....
"Did you know that He weeps for you
Cause He knows what you're going through
Even when you feel lost and scared
He promises that He'll still be there
Did you know His heart breaks for you
and there is one thing that's always true
that in your worst of times you'll never cry alone
Did you know He weeps for you"
I know God will continue to help us through this. I trust that God will bring us an amazing, selfless, woman to carry our little embryos. We are overjoyed that we have 4 precious embryo babies awaiting the right person to carry them into this world. We cannot wait for the day that we hold our amazing miracle(s) in our arms.
