January 6, 2015

You are My Sunshine....


My heart is overflowing with a love I cannot even begin to describe. I know all mother's feel this way when their child is born but it's a little different when you have traveled a journey like mine and witness the amazingness of how your miracle child came to be.....

Eli Thomas Contreras was born on January 6, 2015 at 8:28am. He was 8lbs 7ozs and 20 inches long. He is the most beautiful and perfect being I have ever in my life laid eyes on. He was born a little over 2 hours after I got the call from Susan that "it was time". His birth involved the start of a homebirth, an ambulance ride due to slow recovering decels and positioning in birth canal, and a speedy entrance into the world right after arriving at the hospital. We followed behind the ambulance but by the time we parked and got inside, he was already here. Once he was placed in my arms, I felt like I could breathe again for the first time in a very long time. I didn't realize just how worried I had been the entire pregnancy that "something would go wrong" and I wouldn't get the baby I have been praying for over the last several years.  I did not want to let him go once he was placed in my arms!

The rest of that day was a little hellish because we were not planning to stay overnight in the hospital but were told we had to.  Jose chose to go home with his family so my mom stayed with me and Eli. We did not have toiletries or clean clothes, I was not provided with a meal or water because "I wasn't the patient", and the lactation consultant scolded me and complained to the nurse that I brought my own breastmilk to feed Eli through a supplemental nursing system. This resulted in them confiscating my brought in milk (which I had meticulously chosen from my stash because it belonged to a friend who was pumping while breastfeeding her 2 week old) and providing donor breastmilk from the milk bank. The pediatrician also came in to examine Eli and told me to start feeding him watered down apple juice between 4 and 6 weeks of life to prevent anemia and then he lectured me again on the risks of giving my baby breastmilk from a donor. What a crazy night. We were so excited to leave the next morning so that we could go home and shower and put on clean clothes!! 

 

 

 

 

The next several days were crazy because Eli was jaundiced and we were having to go in every day for billi checks and spending a lot of time sitting in the window sill of his bedroom with the sunshine on his belly! Luckily I was taking him to the clinic at Parkland so we got to see friends every time we went. After things finally settled down and my little sweet potato started turning pinkish again we enjoyed a few days of normalcy before heading to Florida. I was chomping at the bits to let my family meet this sweet miracle!  Mom, Jose, Eli and I packed up and drove to Florida to spend a week in the warm Florida sunshine.  Erica also took some gorgeous photos of Eli while we were there....she is amazing! It was wonderful but all too short. I did interview for a job while I was in town so fingers crossed it will all work out for the future. This has always been our dream to raise our kids in "the country" and have a smaller town life.

 

As I sit here watching my sweet baby sleep (in the Moby wrap because he won't sleep if I put him down) I'm blown away by how my life has changed in the past few weeks. My heart was broken when my ability to have children was taken away from me by cancer. I never thought I would be whole again. I ached for the love and bond that all my friends had with their children and I worried some that I would never have that. The entire journey felt surreal to me, even at baby showers and midwife appointments, I still felt like Eli was not "mine".  The moment I held him, my aching heart was mended and my love grows greater every single day. Eli is 100% my baby and I am 100% Eli's mommy. No one can ever take that bond away. In a way, my sweet boy has 3 moms: my sister Amy (who is his biological egg donor), our surrogate Susan (his womb mom), and now me (his forever mom). What a lucky little boy he is to have so many loving "mommies" in his life.  I cannot wait for him to know his story! Here's to the rest of our lives together my sweet little miracle...You are My Sunshine!

When nothing goes as planned

I found myself feeling a little glum the closer we got to Christmas because Jose wasn't around and I was missing my family something fierce. I tried to keep traditions...made a huge pot of Brunswick stew (a Shipp family recipe) for Christmas Eve, made Santa Claus cookies, decorated the tree with the yuletide log on TV, and listened to holiday music nonstop.  But, it just wasn't the same as being home for Christmas. The only thing that helped was knowing Eli would be arriving any day. I did get to spend Christmas Eve visiting with my sweet friend Julie who was in town visiting her inlaws. It was so good to catch up and have a little bit of support on a tough day. Jose agreed to work Christmas Eve and Christmas Day so I spent the holidays alone:-(  A few days after Christmas Jose got really sick (flu) and I was officially on freak out mode. He went to urgent care and received tamiflu but I quarantined him to the  bedroom and I slept in the guest bed. I made him wear a mask all the time and I went through several bottles of bleach wipes cleaning everything possible surface he could have touched in our house. I also was chugging the elderberry syrup like it was water because there was no way under the sun I was going to miss the birth of my son!

Mom arrived on New Year's Day and we had black eyed peas, collards, and cornbread to keep with tradition. Jose seemed to be feeling better but we still kept our distance from him because we were not taking any chances. Mom helped me put the finishing touches on Eli's room and then we played the sit and wait game. It was absolutely some of the coldest weather we have had in several years so we litterally did a lot of sitting (cozied up) and waiting.

January 2, 2015: Jose woke up saying he didn't feel well again and began vomitting shortly after.  Mom and I immediately put masks on and I began freaking out again...could we not catch a break here?!? Jose progressively got worse and I began wondering if this was something more than flu or stomach virus. I took him to urgent care and we were promptly sent to the ER at Parkland. Jose had appendicitis and was going to need surgery. My poor mom got a long night in the waiting room of the Parkland ER (for those of you who know Parkland I say no more, for those of you who do not....county hospital in a large city late at night always equals excitement and maybe a little fear). I had been anxiously awaiting and praying for a baby because our primary midwives were going to be taking vacation a few days after Eli's due date and I did not want to use a backup if we didn't have to. Now, I was asking God to hold off just one more day. Jose got into surgery around midnight on January 3rd and I begged the physicians to discharge him ASAP. They said if I could get him walking and eating we could go home on the "fast track" discharge. So, I got Jose up out of the bed as soon as possible and shoveled the food in (he didn't need much help with this part) and we were out of there by noon. It's January 3, 2015, Eli's official due date, and we are back on Baby Watch!

Eli's Coming....

December 2014

We are so close to sweet Eli's arrival and I am a bundle of nerves. We have made it so far and I can't help but worry this is "too good to be true". I pray nonstop for a healthy delivery for Susan and Eli. I carry my phone with me all the time now and never turn it on silent because I don't want to miss the call. This is the first year I will not be spending some part of the holidays in Florida but it is so worth it to know that Eli will be in my arms one day soon. Here is a recap of the past few months.....

October: First Baby Shower:-)
hosted by my sister, cousin, mom, aunt, and grandmother
at The Wild Olive in Crestview
So many of my family and friends came to show their support and love for me and Eli. It was surreal to finally be having a baby shower for my own baby (i'm normally the hostess of baby showers). I loved every second of it and then when we got back to mom and dad's house after the shower I got everything back out and looked at all of it again.

Amy and Brinklee rode back out to Dallas with us and spent several days there helping me get Eli's nursery set up. We had so much fun together and I cried so hard whenever she left. I don't like saying goodbye to them and can't wait for the day when we don't have to say goodbye all the time.

November: 2nd Baby Shower
hosted by my work family (so much closer than coworkers)
at Parkland Hospital
My mom and aunt were in town for their annual Dallas visit so they got to come as well. So much yummy food and so much love in the room that day. I loved getting to visit with everyone and share in this joyous time and let some of my family see the amazing network of people I was blessed with along my journey to Eli. They played Eli's Coming to get us all in the spirit of this sweet boy's arrival. I'm so excited!!

November: 3rd Baby Shower
hosted by my sweet friends in Texas
at Christine's house in Dallas
It was a "my favorite things shower" and books. I was surrounded by all of my closest friends that had been here for me through all the heartbreak the years before had held. They walked through the darkest times of my life with me, held my hand, encouraged me, carried me emotionally....and now they were celebrating the happiest moment of my life. It was amazing!

We are closing in on Eli's arrival. His official due date is January 3. We are only 3 weeks away! Next post will probably be a BABY post.

Snakes and snails and puppy dog tails

July 26, 2014

Where has the time gone?!? We have a beautiful and healthy baby growing and today we found out this baby is a BOY. We did not tell my family that we were going to find out today because I wanted to surprise them. After the appointment, I recruited my siser to help. I called her and told her the news then sent her the pictures to print and wrap in a box with blue balloons. It was my mom's birthday so she took the gift over with other birthday presents and had her unwrap it (while I was on speaker phone listening). The blue balloons flew out with the sonogram picture of "Eli Thomas Contreras" attached. There were lots of happy tears today!

Learning to Dance in the Rain

May 2014
I sit here reading my last blog post and my eyes swell with tears again as I relive the pain and heartache of our journey. It has been a few months since I last wrote and things have changed so much....

About a week after I posted our last entry we made the decision to begin our journey again with our surrogate, Susan. A little more nervous, a little more jaded, and a little more guarded. We were, by no means, ready to quit but the emotional heartache and financial burdens were pulling us down.  I also struggled with the interference our projected transfer date would have on my time in Florida for the arrival of my sister's baby, Brinklee.  But, I decided to trust God's timing and follow His plan.  We had all the pre-procedure visits and then Susan began the medications in preparation for Embryo Transfer #2. 

I headed to Florida on April 7 (a few days earlier than originally planned) for the arrival of Brinklee as Amy's blood pressure was a little high and they were considering induction.  Amy made it a few more days before they scheduled induction.  Brinklee Elizabeth Koger was born Friday, April 11, 2014 at 7:27pm.  Amy was amazing during labor and I was overcome with emotion at how proud I was of her and how much love I already had for that little bundle of joy.  The next week was kind of a blur as I stayed with Amy, Kyle, and Brinklee to help as much as possible.

Before I knew it, Thursday, April 17 had arrived, and it was time for me to jump on a plane and head to Dallas for "Transfer Day".  I woke up very early (2am) that morning and drove to Mobile to be on a 6:30am flight. It was rainy and gross outside but I made it safely and my flight left on time.  I could not sleep on the plane as my stomach went back and forth between butterflies and knots thinking about the magnitude of what might be if things went well during transfer.  A quick layover in Houston then on to Dallas.  Jose picked me up at the airport and we headed towards the doctor's office.  We had a little time to kill so we ate lunch and walked around Target until closer to time.  The transfer was quick and uneventful then we were given the "10 day" wait appointment to come back for pregnancy testing.  We said goodbye to Susan and then went home for a little rest before I got back on a plane early Friday morning to head back to Florida for the remainder of my stay. It was raining and gross when I arrived back in Florida:-)

Ryan, Lauren and the girls arrived in town for Easter weekend and to meet Brinklee so the days were filled with laughter, good food, and happy memories.  The days ahead were filled with so many wonderful moments.  Being surrounded by family and helping take care of sweet Brink helped take my mind off of the unknown back in Texas.

Tuesday, April 22: Mom, Amy, Kyle, and I were all finishing up dinner at Amy's house.  Dad was at some honors ceremony or something for school.  We had just finished eating and I happen to glance at my phone and noticed a text message from Susan.  A faint double line on a home pregnancy test!!  My heart swelled and the tears began to fall.  I immediately called Jose to share the news.   We found ourselves excited and scared to death all at once.  In the following days I received more (and more) texts with "darkening" double line results! We were so  hopeful and longing for the confirmation blood test and ultrasound!

Our first beta was on April 28 and the results were 485, higher than our first transfer, but now for the dreaded wait for doubling every 48-72 hours.  Our next betas on Wednesday, April 30, were 981! Things were heading in the right direction :-)  We scheduled our first sono for May 8 to see our little peanut! I stayed in Florida (as long as I possibly could) until May 2 then packed up to make the long drive home.  It was bittersweet for sure.  I loved the 3 weeks I got to spend with my family and I did not want to leave but I had to come back to Dallas because my husband, my job, and now my sweet little peanut were all here. Susan texted me halfway through the trip to let me know that she drew labs again just to double check and we were at 2632!! That was exactly the boost I needed to make the trip home a lot easier.

We did our first sono and cried happy tears to see that little baby on the screen.  Definitely a tiny little thing but our sweet baby that we have longed for was growing nice and healthy!  We scheduled our next appointment for 2 weeks out, May 22, to see/hear the heartbeat for the first time.  That was the longest 2 weeks of my life but well worth it when I got to see my precious little one's heart beating on the screen for the first time. The last time I felt this way was when I myself was pregnant and got to see my beautiful little gummy bear and see that fast beating heart. Words cannot even begin to express the overwhelming emotins that I experienced. My heart feel completely in love with that little being inside Susan's uterus!  Now for the next 8 months of worry until I hold that beautiful baby in my arms, and then another lifetime of worry I'm sure:-)  Once again, I'm over the moon to say, WE ARE PREGNANT!!  Please pray everyday with us that this little peanut grows healthy and strong.

I'm feeling "52"

6 years feels like at least 20......

March 15, 2008....2weeks away from our wedding...so excited that our life together was beginning
March 15, 2009....a scary first year of marriage with a cancer diagnosis 4 months in leading to removal of one of my ovaries. But hope on the horizon as our sweet little peanut was growing inside me! But, miscarriage  several weeks later stole our hope and broke our hearts.....(mucinous cancer)
March 15, 2010....after my miscarriage a year of fertility doctors and "treatment plans" due to more cancer cells...this time in my uterus but treatment was successful and we were on the fertility journey again (epithelial cancer)
March 15, 2011....a day after my 29th birthday....went in for a simple outpatient surgery to drain a cyst on my ovary only to wake up hours later with a huge incision all the way down my abdomen, a lot of pain, a foggy brain, and the devastating news that my simple cyst was cancerous involving my only remaining ovary and uterus which resulted in a total hysterectomy (endometrial and epithelial cancer)
March 15, 2012....slow physical and emotional recovery with intense menopausal symptoms but embracing my 30s with hope for the future....began our fundraising efforts and found a surrogate later this year. Huge purple scar running vertically down the center of my abdomen measuring 12.5 inches long as a constant reminder of the events of the past
March 15, 2013.....finally hope...moving along with surrogate. She and Amy made it safely to town. one week away from egg retrieval and implantation. Had no idea what would be ahead in the coming week. Went forward with egg retrieval but we were unable to transfer as our "surrogate" violated our legal contract, went bananas, and skipped town with no explanations. Our hearts were broken once again...realized later it was a blessing in disguise and found the right surrogate later this year. Had successful transfer with Susan and became prgnant only to miscarry a few weeks later
March 15, 2014....recovering from miscarriage and ready to move forward yet again. Bracing our hearts and praying for continued hope, peace, understanding and joy in the months ahead. Here's to hoping this year brings us our dream of a family.....so tired of waiting, and hoping, and waiting some more....

In the past 6 years I have had 3 completely separate types of cancer, experienced 2 miscarriages in completely different ways, gone through menopause, had numerous surgeries and fertility treatments,     and experienced some of the greatest joys of my life and some of the greatest sorrows of my life. On this day, 6 years later, I am still standing strong . My heart is broken, my hope is wavering, and my sadness can sometimes be overwhelming but I am determined to understand God's plan for our lives. I know we were meant to be parents and I am holding onto that for peace and comfort.  Please continue to love and support us through this as we keep moving forward.

A New Year...A New Hope

January 2014: A lot has happened since my last post. We have experienced the extremes of joy and sorrow in the last 2 months and I have needed some time to gather my thoughts before writing again. We transferred our little embryo on November 18 with so much excitement and nervous energy. The transfer went well and then we had to sit and wait. We were told to come back on December 2 for the pregnancy test and results. Now to sit and wait....

I went to Florida for Thanksgiving but Jose stayed in Dallas to work. So, a few days before I left I made Thanksgiving dinner for the 2 of us...first time making cornbread dressing, turkey (breast and drumsticks only but still an accomplishment), and sweet potato casserole...pretty proud of myself:-)

We were so hopeful and optimistic for the future and praying everyday for a strong and healthy growing embryo. But, it felt like December 2 would never get here. Then, I got a text message from Susan on Thanksgiving morning and everything changed. This is what it was....

It's hard to see the faint pink lines but the top 2 tests were positive also. And just like that everything changed. I burst into tears but was getting ready in my room so I had a few private minutes to gather my thoughts. I called Jose to share the news and we both just sat there on the phone crying tears of joy with each other. Our journey had been so hard and long and we finally felt that things were making sense and changing for the better. My sweet little nieces who were all waiting for me to jump in the bouncy house with them were knocking on my bedroom door asking why I was crying and if I needed a hug. When I opened the door they all 3 hugged me at the same time and the big girls asked why I was sad. I told them I was crying happy tears because we were going to have a baby with our surrogate. They helped me share the news with mom, dad, ryan, amy, lauren, and kyle. We had one more amazing thing to be thankful for that day and enjoyed a great day of laughing, playing, and enjoying family. I was floating in the clouds as I thought about our sweet baby that would be joining our family next year.

I made caramel apples for all the kiddos:-)

Thanksgiving day after everyone left mom gave me this sock monkey that she had planned to give me the day we found out we were pregnant. Our first gift for this little miracle...

Mom, Amy, and I went shopping on Friday and while Amy picked out her bedding for Brinklee's nursery I bought 2 of my first newborn cloth diapers:-) I was in heaven. 

We went to our appointment on Monday, December 2nd, and the blood work confirmed that Susan was pregnant with our little peanut!! Jose and I were on top of the world and started planning and dreaming for our little one's future. We could not contain our excitement and hope. But, our joy was quickly ripped away 2 weeks later when Susan began cramping and bleeding and miscarried our little one. We wanted so badly to believe that things were okay but the ultrasound confirmed that the pregnancy had ended. We were devastated, heartbroken, empty.....

We entered into this surrogacy journey with so much hope. I can honestly say that I had some nervousness that the transfer would not be successful but never worried that it would be successful only to lose the baby later. It brought back so many horrible memories of our last miscarriage and the despair that followed. We grieved and are still grieving the loss of this baby and our hopes and dreams for our future family. It has been a tough few months. 

I had my "cancer check up" on December 20 and hit my emotional breaking point. My check up itself was good but I was emotionally drained which led to a small pity party for myself. I'm tired of being a cancer patient and having to get gynecological exams and blood work every 6 months, I hate that I'm 31 years old and post menopausal, I'm jealous that I will never be able to have the sensation of feeling my baby move inside my womb, I'm tired of this ache in my heart for a baby and longing everyday for it to be filled, and I'm tired of working non-stop and saving every penny yet never seeming to have enough money to pay all the bills and expenses of this journey to be parents. I've tried for so long to stay hopeful but every once in a while the overwhelming pressure of it all catches up to me. I had a good cry with my doctor at the appointment, on the phone with my sister on the way home, and later that day with Jose at the house. Jose doesn't like to talk about it but he lets me cry whenever I need to and then we keep going :-)

We went home for Christmas and enjoyed a wonderful 10 days of family, friends, and happy memories. I love being in Florida and hope that we can make that our permanent home one day with our little one. But, for now I will pull myself up by my bootstraps and keep moving forward here in Texas. I'm still sad but coping and looking towards the future and our next steps. We met with our reproductive endocrinologist January 9 and have a plan for moving forward with another transfer in the weeks ahead.

We are scared to death about the emotional struggles and very stressed out about all the financial responsibilities that loom ahead. But we are holding on to hope and faith that we will hold a little Contreras baby in our arms later this year.   When I look at where we were this time last year to where we are today I thank God for his clarity, strength, and courage.   I believe that God brought us to Susan because she is the right person to help us achieve our dream of a family.  Now, I pray for peace and understanding every single day and I pray that God will give us the desires of our hearts.  Thank you all for your continued love and support and please continue to pray for us and Susan on our journey ahead.